Chapter One
Special agent Joe Ricker sprinted down the hallway toward the Oval office. As he burst into the plush room crammed with government officials defense secretary Bomsaway's voice rolled to meet him with a rumble. "Mr. President. This signal just started broadcasting onto every wireless device and TV station on the planet. It is coming from Mars and is to strong to block." The Presidents voice emerged from the tight knot of officials. "How do we know that this is happening to everyone else if all our sattelites are down?" Bomsaway gestured towards the desk. "We used the old hardline connection to Moscow." President Dinkle glanced at
the dusty red phone. "We still have hardlines in this place?"
Everyone went silent as someone turned on the TV screen and a strange face appeared. It was oval, with pale blue skin and two huge eyes. The creatures tiny mouth moved and words in perfect english echoed through the speakers and across the bottom of the screen in print. "Greetings, we come in peace. Soon we shall land at your nations capitol with ambassadors." There was a pause in which the aliens image fuzzed and crackled. Then it spoke again. "Bonjour, nous venons en paix. Bientôt, nous allons atterrir à votre capitol des nations avec les ambassadeurs."
Bomsaway spoke again, casually flicking a dust speck from his twenty thousand dollar suit. "The message is looping in different languages." The entire group of tense officials jumped when the door banged and a messenger ran in gasping. "Fifty unknown objects are heading towards Earth at great speed, towards all the major capitols of the world. They will arrive in twenty minutes."
The entire group turned to President Dinkle. He took a deep breath and struck his "Authority" pose. "These entities are using the fake peace signal to cripple our comunications while they take out the worlds leadership. I am taking my entire cabinet, along with the House and Senate into the super-secret emergency bunker. Find a way to contact our subs and shoot down those alien missiles." He turned and marched out of the office with more haste than dignity. The loyal officials of the government stood silently for a moment before running after their chief in a mad scramble. After all. There might not be enough room in the bunker for everybody. The man carrying the suitcase with the nuclear launch codes paused long enough to unlock it from his wrist and hand it to Joe before tearing after the others.
Joe stood in shock, holding the power of hundreds of nuclear warheads under his arm. Then he walked calmly over to the Presidents chair and sat down slowly. Then he noticed that not all the officials had fled. Secretary Bomsaway stood by the wall, Grey eyes staring at Joe out of his wrinkled old face. Joe leaped up at if he'd been shot. "I just wanted to see how it felt." He stammered. Bomsaway walked over to the desk, nodding understandingly. "How does it feel?" Joe edged away from the chair. "It could do with more cushions." Bomsaway sat down in the aformentioned chair. "It does need more cushions. Now Joe. Here is why I have held this job so long. Those monkeys who ran off after our fearless leader don't know that there is only room for twenty people in that bunker and food for only six. So as acting president I hearby fire them all until the real president returns and appoint you my official ambassador to the alien entities." Joe swallowed several times before he found his voice. "I'm a married man sir. I've got a loving wife and two kids at home. Could'nt you send anyone else?" Acting President Bomsaway gestured around the room and lit a cigar from the Presidents stash. "Do you see anyone here? I'm to old to walk out to the meeting and get melted by a nano laser. If i'm going to die I'll do it right here."
Joe stood uncertainly, torn between his duty and his safety. Then he decided. Resolutely He soluted and marched out the door...only to come rushing back as Bomsaway yelled after him. "Hey, you don't have to give the aliens our launch codes do you?" Joe looked around for a safe place, then dumped the suitcase in the President's lap before sprinting out of the office. Bomsaway put the suitcase up on his desk, planted his feet up on the finely polished wood and lit another cigar.
Chapter Two
Joe and forty trembling marines and Secret service men hunkered down behind black government trucks as a shiny spherical UFO sank towards the White House lawn, retro-rockets blazing. Joe wiped the sweat from his forhead and glanced at his new suit. On the way to rounding up some security the daring agent had slipped into the Secretary of states private apartments and "borrowed" a slick silk two-piece outfit. Joe smiled grimly and took a drink of coffee from a beaker. It seemed rediculous to dress up to die. Maybye the aliens would just take them prisoner. Or they could kill them and take the ship for research.
The mettallic ship landed its twelve ton hulk on the lawn with a bump. The backblast from the rocket engines sent clouds of dirt and hot air billowing at the watching humans. Joe was nearly knocked off his feet as the ground shook. The hot air hit his coffee and spilled it all over his suit.
A ramp folded down from the ship and one graceful figure emerged. It was just like the creature on the TV screen. The large head was seated on a small blue body with small legs and wavy arms. It began walking towards the trucks. A nervous agents gun went off accidentally, the bullet pinging harmlessly off of the ship. Instantly a canon-like device popped up from the ship and doused the security with a glowing white beam. The men yelped in suprise as they saw thier pistols and SMG's had become harmless flowers. Several men ran away across the lawn, yelling for the rest to save themselves. Joe mustered up his nerve and walked towards the alien. When he was five feet away it held out its hand and said. "Hallo, is mijn naam Samuel M.O.A.B. noemen me Sam." Joe stood nonplussed. "Sorry?" The alien gave a look of frustration and made a sharp beeping sound. "Oh, transformation. I forgot that this was America. I was to have Holland but they switched me at the last minute. My Name is Samuel M.O.A.B. Just call me Sam." Joe cautiouslly shook the hand of this blue creature who spoke perfect english and dutch. "Hi. I am Joseph Ricker. Representative of the United States of America." Sam the alien nodded. "May I change my form into a human likeness?" Joe was caught off guard. "Uh, sure."
The alien began to swell and pulse like a balloon. Its color shifted and faded. Then Joe found himself looking at a medium age man dressed in a suit and tie with a warm smile. "Thats better, I like this form." Commented Sam. "Lets go somewhere where we can sit down and talk. I am impatient to tell you about my planet and people."
Sam the alien, Joe and five marines sat in the deserted cafeteria. The midday sun cast shadows on the floor as it decended towards the city skyline. Sam pulled out a note pad and looked expectantly at Joe. The Representative of America had changed from his coffee sogged suit into a marines fags. He realized that Sam was waiting to be questioned. "Um, were do you come from?" "Mars" Joe looked nervouslly at the aliens staring eyes. "Could you please blink?" He finally blurted out. Understanding entered Sams eyes. "Oh, I am sorry. I am forgetting that this intense attentiveness is considered rude on Earth. I shall endevour to blink and yawn regularly." Joe nodded gratefully. "What are your people called?" Sam blinked thoughtfully. "You know. I don't think that we have a collective reference for ourselves. We are the beings from beyond. The villans of many successfull movies. Your greatest dread and only hope. Unless you mean that you want a list of the names of every one of our sixty billion entities. There is such a list in the Mars government directory. As soon as the broadcast stops transmitting our peace message in every known earth language I can download it into your nearest Quantum computer."
Joe thanked a marine that brought hamburgers and coffee. He offered Sam some. "My form does not require sustanance if I transform often but I shall eat out of courtesy. I hope that there is no mustard. I dislike earth mustard." As they ate Joe continued his questioning. "How long do you live?" Sam was puzzled. "I don't know. We've never died of old age. If we shapeshift to often sometimes we grogsnapt. The afflicted entity loses control and begins shifting indefinitly. Sometimes they regain control, sometimes not." Joe asked many other questions. He learned that the rovers and sattelites sent to Mars did not see martians because they had lived below the surface for decades. Digging down to make room for their ever-growing population. "The surface of Mars is covered in aweful iron dust because some moron decided to dig to the core of Mars and make the planet bigger. We stopped him before he destroyed us but iron dust blasted through vents and covered the surface of our planet. We have just started cleaning it up but its a big job." Joe learned that the greatest insult a martian could offer was to forget someone. Hence he could not learn the name of any infamous criminal. He did find that martian shapeshifting did sometimes get them into trouble. "Sometimes when we turn to liquid or wrap around something we get stuck and have to have a brain transplant into a cloned body."
Also he found that the aliens were fickle politicians and had a culture of constant change. "We lived for a thousand years of recorded history. We built, tore down and rebuilt. Amassing centuries of wisdom, never forgetting unless we want to. At last we reached the end of our rope. We had left nothing concievable undone. Us martian were about to literally die of boredom. Imortallity is hard to handle. Then we discovered humans. You gave us a new lease on life. We studied your every custom, plant and action. A baby shaking his rattle gave us joy. We now imitate you constantly. Our government is changing monthly. Right now we are into Capitalism. Our president Chris S.N.B.O. is currently forcing the majority of martians to pay exorbitant taxes. Our experts predict that presidient Chris's good natured citizens will rise in a communist rebellion within the month and distribute eveything evenly to everyone. Politics is such fun. President Chris will probably be marched out onto the surface and be executed with pillows and water balloons.
The sun cast a red glow into the cafeteria as the sun sank behind the skyscrapers. Joe leaned back and asked one last question. The one that had been bugging him. "So, you have watched us for centuries. Why did you only come visit us now? What do you want?" Sams face turned serious. "We have used a transformer beam like the one defending our ship to recreate any earth technology we want. But one product eludes us. Our greatest scientists have tried for years to make it...and failed. So we have decided to buy 100,000 tons of it for national consumption as a first purchase from every major nation on Earth.
"So what do your people want?" Repeated Joe. Sam took a drink of coffee. "We want your toilet paper."
Chapter Three
It took a minute for this information to register in Joe's mind. "What do you want with our toilet paper?" Sam frowned slightly. "I thought it was considered rude to dicuss the usual use of toilet paper in polite society. If you must know we want it to..." Joe cut him off. "O.K. I get it. Its none of my business. I shall try to arrange a bargain. I'm sure we have that much somewhere...I hope." Sam finished his coffee. "One more thing Joe. We must have it ready for pickup by two weeks from tommorrow. After that our planet will be plunged into a bloodless revolution and we may not be able to pay you. Now will you kindly show me to my quarters?"
Joe stood in the doorway of a velvet-lined suite ten minutes later. Sam glanced around the room. "This is nice by earth standards. By the way my colleage will be joining us from our ship tommorrow. I am only the initial contact official. His name is Zord K.Y.B.O. Well good night Joe." Joe gave the alien a warm handshake and stumbled down the hallway towards the Oval office. He felt drained.
In a private conference room President Dinkle and his court listened to Joe's report. Bomsaway sat quietly in a corner. "Well done." Said Dinkle as Joe finished, flashing one of those perfect fake smiles. "In recognision for your services I commision you to gather together the required items while we begin bargaining." Joe wanted nothing better than to go home to his apartment right now. But the president had made it a statement, not a request. The highest official in the land turned to Bomsaway. "As for you, how dare you to steal the presidency, I had everything under control. You shall be honerably discharged for your years of service immediatly. I also want the nuclear launch codes back." Bomsaway assumed a thoughtful expression. "Now where did I put them? Was it in the desk? Maybye in the bushes out front?" The President got the hint. "Fine, you can stay in office. I assume you'll want a few things?" As Bombaway began naming his "favors" Joe stumbled out of the meeting. He called his wife to tell her all was well before crashing in his bunk.
The next week was a blur for the blond-haired agent in marine fags. He spent all day in his office, calling, calling, calling people with a bank of phones. On a map of the U.S.A. little pins marked shipments of toilet paper crawling slowly towards giant government supply dumps. Factories ran day and night. turning out mile upon mile of this commodity. The stores quickly sold their stock. The price of the stuff skyrocketed. One roll went regularly for 100$. Some for more.At the end of the week Joe had amassed a staggering 42,100 tons, but it wasn't nearly enough.
The beaurocrats wern't having it all their way either. Zord wore the form of a ruthless lawyer with unsettling blue eyes and played the part. "Now then." Said the President with his automatic smile as Zord and Sam sat down in the conference hall. "Lets dicuss payment for this shipment we are assembling." Zord cut him off. "Perhaps we should discuss alien rights?" President Dinkle's smile drooped like melting cheese. Zord continued. "I propose a bill to give aliens the same rights as your constitution gives citizens, for starters." Dinkle's smile straightened. "Oh, yes, we shall do that right away, and maybye..." Zord rudely cut in. "Also, because our business is so valuable perhaps we should make all alien's ships and cargo completely tax exempt." Dinkle's smile dropped again and he began stuttering. "Tax exempt? Well...er...I guess we can do that, but..." Zord spoke again, his voice cutting like a knife. "I must question whether aliens are subject to earth law at all. I think is a law could be passed clarifying this issue we could get on with the bargain...for the time being." Dinkle was rendered speechless. Finally he wispered. "Sure, we will work something out." As Zord and Sam walked across the White house lawn Zord asked. "Do you think I was to hard on the scheming earthling?" Sam patted his friend on the back. "Perhaps, but that was a brilliant bit of politics. We may have nothing as far as earthlings know but they will give anything to find out.
That evening Washington D.C. was treated to a suprise. The government had only revealed to the public that the aliens wern't dangerous and that a deal was being made. So the citizens were suprised when one morning sections of street were found closed off for a parade. Joe was lying in bed that day, looking out the window onto Court street. His wife had rented this D.C. apartment while they moved their furniture into their new house in Indiana.
He had suffered a breakdown at work. The hours of constant stress and absence of sleep had finally been to much. Now two other agents were trying to figure out how the system he had created worked. So Joe lay by the window, sipping tea. His little daughter Susan traipsed into the room. "Hi, daddy. Theres going to be a parade today and its going by our house." Joe smiled and rumpled his daughters hair as the five-year old hopped up on his bed, a cookie in her fist.
A procession of fifteen floats began sliding down the streets. People piled out of their houses and cars to watch. The floats were all alien themed. E.T. wookies, Klingons, Vulcans and every other species of popular aliens waved to the crowds and smiled. Bands of robots marched by, playing every variety of music. And to top it off periodically cannons on the floats fire volleys of confetti and one-dollar bills. To say the folks were entertained would be an understatement. At the end of the parade the aliens UFO zoomed overhead and landed in Times square. The transformer ray disolved the floats. As the people stared in disbelief the aliens all morphed into the friendly-blue-people form and marched into the spaceship waving. The ship took off, shattering windows for a block. The raygun fired one more time and a dozen tables heaped with exotic food appeared in the square. Other than a few extremists and tin-foil wearers the nation was convinced of the martians good will.
Susan returned to Joe's room as he was having his dinner in bed. "Daddy, look." She squeaked, holding up a dollar bill. Joe put it in a glass case and hung it up on the wall. Then he stretched back and tried to get some rest. Around him millions of people were talking, talking until dawn about the aliens. There were a lot of folks late for work the next day.
Chapter Four
Visions of futuristic devices like anti-gravity, laser guns and cloning vats danced through the heads of the congressmen attending the Presidential dinner. The Alien rights bill had been joyously voted through both House and Senate. Now it was on President Dinkle's desk. Four martians had entered the maximum security dinner hall and sat down opposite Dinkle and Bomsaway. Dinkle raised his glass. "A toast to our eternal friendship." Zord raised his beaker of champagne. "To your inevitable removal from office, here's to change, the only certainty in life." The guests within earshot hesitantly raised their glasses.
"Now" Burped Dinkle "Lets get down to business. What can you pay us for the toil...the paper that we are selling you." Zord began morphing, a second mouth appeared above the one that was chewing steak and began speaking. Dinkle was very disturbed. This alien was being rude and getting away with it. "Mr. President. We could give you some skinsuits. They are certified for absolute reliability as long as the user does not expand beyond 50 feet in height or width. They fit any size of human, baby or adult. I am even amiable to getting you a mashine that makes them." Dinkle regained some confidence and leaned forwards to whisper. "We weren't thinking clothes, we were thinking...weapons." Zord leaned back and disolved both mouths before speaking from his ears. "You rich humans always desire death and destruction. World hunger, poverty, inequality, injustice...these lie in your grasp and you choose a device to cause misery. But I am not directed to refuse your foolish requests. We will give you the schematics for a ray gun that will disolve your enemies weapons and cities. One shot and the mightiest tank will vanish, leaving its crew in a quite rediculous position. This is our offer." Dinkle consulted with his cabinet for a minute. Then he agreed to the bargain.
As the martians left the banquet they shook everybodies hands with a kleenex and handed out presents. Even the waiters got priceless diamonds or beautiful statues. As they left the hall,(Handing the guards dazzling saphires.) Dinkle turned to his staff with a scowl. "I don't trust those aliens. I am going to veto the Alien rights bill and suggest changes. That will give us some more bargaining power."
There was five days left until the deadline when agent Joe came back to his office. "Hey guys." He said to his assistant agents. "Joe." Replied agent Stanley Steadfast "The good news is that we've got 64,000 tons in the bag. The bad news is that we cannot import any of the stuff from abroad. Every nation is trying to meet their own quota. National production is up 500% and climbing." Joe nodded and began dialing two phones at once. "How close are other nations to finishing?" Stanley glanced at a report. "Russia is having bargaining trouble. Pakistan finished their package at 4:30 AM this morning, they traded for a machine that pulls down water from the atmosphere. China secured a contract twice as big as ours. Most of Africa is plunged into a civil war over the issue. Thats all we know for now."
President Dinkle sat with Zord, Sam and Joe in the Oval office. A clock showed that there was less than one hour to finish the deal before the deadline. Joe was making a report. He looked haggard and extremely tired. "We have counted it and recounted it. I received a confirmation less than two hours ago that we have exactly 100,000 tons of the required materiel. Now may I go home and collapse?" Dinkle turned to Zord as the alien opened a suitcase containing the ray-gun schematics. "Unfortunatly we cannot conclude our deal Mr. Zord." Hissed Dinkle with a cruel grimace. "We have decided to take the ray-gun as a first payment. Lets talk about telaporters now."
Zord reached for the suitcase but Dinkle nodded and six secret service agents aimed their rifles at Zord. The aliens stood slowly and stepped back. "You have acted very dishonorably Mr. Tinkle." Threatened Zord. "We shall get our required cargo without your help. May you die penniless, friendless and hopeless. You've already taken care of brainless." Dinkle stood icily. "You aren't going anywhere. Agents, fire if they move." Zord and Sam began rapidly morphing. "Fire." Dinkle screamed. "No." Cried Joe. Leaping between the aliens and the incoming bullets. He was hit in the chest several times. Meanwhile the martians had transformed into monstrous beasts with big mouths full of teeth and clawed arms. The Sam-monster threw Joe over his shoulder and stormed out the door and down the hallway towards the lawn. Zord-monster gave a giant burp and the agents were knocked down by a wave of bad breath and spit. It grabbed Dinkle as he tried to escape. For a long moment the man was held above the ground. Staring terrified into the glowing green eyes of the alien being. The agents regained their feet and fired at the Zord-monster but the bullets bouned off of its mettalic hide. It gave a mighty roar right in Dinkle's face, covering him with slime, and threw him into the agents before running after the Sam-monster. The agents looked at Dinkle's pale white and green face and saw that it was too late...he had fainted.
At the spaceship Sam and Joe transformed back into their "normal" selves and laid Joe carefully on the ground. He was barely breathing. Everything was blurry and dim around him. He tried to take a breath and nothing happened. His world faded to black. The aliens stepped back. "To bad." Said Sam, "Yes." Zord agreed. "That was a nice suit." Then he motioned to the ship. The white beam shot down and hit the mostly-dead Joe. A news helicopter flew over. A cameraman documenting the event for posterity. The ray stopped firing. Joe lay motionless. The aliens shrugged and walked into the open ramp of their ship.
Chapter Five
Joe opened his eyes. The bullet holes in his chest were gone. Not only that but he felt fresh and in perfect health. He sat up and felt his chest. His lungs had'nt felt this good for years. His scars were all gone and his arms were very muscular. He glanced around and saw Sam beckoning from the spaceship. "Come on, Zord says that you get a free ride for saving our skins." Joe entered the UFO cautiously. He was stunned by the sight that met his eyes and was transmitted to his brain. The interior of the spaceship was built like a ordinary american home. Sam washed his hands in the kitchen, then led his human friend into the "living room." Zord sat on a sofa and grabbed a gaming remote. He turned to Joe. "How do you feel?" Joe noticed that his clothes felt a little tight. "I feel like I''ve grown up a foot." Zord motioned to the bedroom. "You can change in there. Just put on one of our elastisuits."
Ten minutes later Joe emerged in a grey one-piece elastisuit. It stuck to his skin like one big rubber band. Zord was steering the spaceship over New Jersey with the gaming remote. Joe stared at the TV screen that showed them flying across the country at 200 mph. It did'nt feel as if they were moving at all. Zord began muttering. "That "beep" President. We were so close to closing the deal. Now all the guys at HQ will tease us and we'll never get our promotion. I'd like to "beep" that schemers "Beep." Joe asked Sam quietly "Why does he keep beeping like a tv censor?" Sam smiled proudly. "We copied the human habit of swearing from human television programs." "Not the adult channels?" "No, we never watch that stuff because we are'nt sure that we ARE adults yet."
Joe saw one of the gigantic toilet paper dumps coming up on-screen. Zord landed the craft with a gentle bump on the concrete. "We are going to try a little bluff."
The officer in charge of the supply dump stepped up to the UFO with twenty marines as the aliens and Joe stepped off. He recognized Joe and saluted. "Officer, the deal has been made at D.C. we will be taking your entire inventory now." The man nodded and began walking towards the barracks. "Just gotta check with D.C. first. Its regulations." As soon as he was out of sight the ray gun opened fire on the mountains of toilet paper, shrinking them smaller and smaller. The marines tensed and raised their weapons. Joe began handing out small bags to them all. "You know, you could just say you were knocked out by the ray gun." He said, smiling. Inside each bag the marines found a pile of perfect diamonds. They all promptly stuffed them into their uniforms and fell down as if dead.
Within seconds the paper had shrunk to the size of a single roll. Sam sucked the insanely heavy roll into a gravity equalizer chamber and carried it aboard.
The commander ran out of his office yelling for to his men. "Joe is a traitor. Arrest them all, now." Troops and tanks converged from all sides as the UFO rose into the evening sky and raced away to the northeast. The commander raceed back inside and grabbed the air force hotline. He knew his career was at stake.
Inside the spaceship Sam weighed the roll they had collected in a mass detector. "Only 30,000 tons. Lets stop by Chicago. Some mafia lords sent a offer while we were in D.C."
The UFO blasted across the Appalachian mountains. Suddenly a alarm began beeping. Sam glanced at a futeristic console on a table. "We have aircraft incoming. Looks like the whole "beep" U.S. Air Force."
That was quiet nearly true. Several squadrons were converging on them from all directions. Fighter jets, ECM craft, ground attack ships and helicopters. Joe gave a low whistle as the screen shifted to a flight of F-35's as they screamed through the skies towards them. Sleek steel bodies gleaming in the last rays of the sun. Sam pulled up the ray gun controls. Another alarm beeped as missiles locked on to their ship. "Fire already." Called Zord. "We don't want to go down in history as the first aliens killed by humans." Sam targeted every aircraft in the sky. Then he hit fire. Joe noticed that he was plugged into a cord that went from his arm to the console, a neural interface. Sam closed his eyes in concentration.
Three F-35's fired their missiles. The transforming ray arced out into the dusky sky and disolved the missiles into dust. Then it fired at the formation of jets. One ship was hit and vanished as if it had never been, leaving the pilot falling through the air. He opened his parachute and drifted down towards the cold slope of a mountain. The ray fired again a second later. The remaining jets tried to evade it but it was imposible to dodge something as fast as light. One by one they were disintegrated. In desperation every aircraft fired its armament at the speedy alien ship. A thousand missiles and shells shot towards the UFO. It rocketed up towards the atmosphere at the speed of sound, its ray gun destroying a aircraft every instant. Dinkle watched helplessly from a sattelite as the pride of his nation's Air Force was reduced to dust. Ten minutes later the UFO decended back to Earth amid a cloud of floating parachutes, all that was left of the mighty armada. Sam watched the angry pilots float by, shaking their fists and firing their sidearms at the alien ship. "Poor men, we must do something about this. If other nations find out that America has lost hundreds of its aircraft they will be quick to take advantage of it." Zord glanced up from his remote. "Very good point Sam M.O.A.B. I will send one of our standby ships to rematerielize the planes at their airfields." Joe spoke to Sam again. "Why do all aliens have four initials after their given name?" Sam handed him a drink of champagne. "Because there are billions of us we all use four initials so that the government can keep track of us. For instance M is from my father, Martin. O is from his father, Orion. A is HIS father, Alex and B is from my great great great grandpa Buster. And his father was Ichabod. So my father's name is Martin O.A.B.I." Joe nodded as if it all made perfect sense. Zord spoke up. "We are coming in to land at Chicago. I have turned all the sattalites tracking our wereabouts into balloons."
Chapter Six
It was a dark night in Chicago. The hooded gangsters with mashine guns escorted Joe and the aliens into a warehouse stuffed full of paper towels. Three crime bosses were waiting for them. Zord spoke to their leader. "We are in a hurry, lets close this deal fast." The leader, a big fellow in a grey suit, took the cigar out of his mouth slowly. "I've got 20,000 tons of the stuff. What's you're offer?" Zord thought for a moment. "I will give you a computer that will computate the best way to win any court battle you ever face. That's my only offer." The crime bosses just nodded slowly.
The toilet paper was all loaded into the alien ship. Joe stood on the street outside the warehouse with the mobsters. He handed them the computer that Sam had built. It was a small black box with a screen and keypad. "Hold on." Growled a gangster as Joe turned to leave. "Show us that it works." Joe powered up the device. The mobster typed in "Marcus Bright." The computer whired for a moment, then words blinked onscreen. "On trial for car theft. Call daughter as witness. Accuse the prosecutor of perjury in the Gripman case three years ago. Trip up his star witness as he enters to put him in the hospital. Plead not guilty and stall the trial with postponements until the judge dimisses the case." The gangster whistled in suprise. One of the mob bosses grabbed the device from him and began typing rapidly. They hardly noticed Joe walk away to the waiting spaceship.
That night the aliens sold the Chicago police a intent intensifier and cleaned out their stock of confiscated paper. Then they relieved a millionaire of his private hoard and left him the proud owner of a intangifier. A quick trip across the great plains and they were emptying armed convoys and leaving the guards and drivers rich with diamonds and gold. All in all that night they collected 80,000 tons of toilet paper. With the coming of dawn they were floating above San Francisco harbor. Joe zoomed in with the image intensifier on the warehouses by the docks. A entire regiment of the National Guard, tanks and all, was camped out on the beach. Guarding the largest private collection left in the country. Zord came in with a cup of coffee. "This human form gets tired to fast, so, how do you like driving?" Joe smiled and nudged a lever. The spaceship scooted to the left, nearly bumping the Golden gate bridge. Zord grabbed back the remote. "You be careful of your countries artifacts. Thats what happens when you enhance a human to the height of phisical perfection. He starts breaking things. Sam, get the ray gun ready. We will have to melt some stuff in a minute.
The UFO began drifting towards the line of trenches dug into the sand. A tank fired, narrowly missing. The ray fired, dousing the entire beach in white radiance. "Fire." Called an officer. But it was to late. The tanks, guns, grenades and even the knives of the defenders melted into sand. The soldiers stood helplessly as the UFO vaporised the roofs off of the warehouses and sucked up the toilet paper like a giant magnet. From the Oval Office Dinkle and his staff watched breathlessly, white knuckles clutching the arms of their chairs. The President spoke in a growl, all traces of a smile long gone. "They are making a mockery of us. I will not stand it any longer. Nuke them." The staff gasped. "But, but that is San Fransisco." Exclaimed Admiral Frogsworth. Dinkle turned to him. "I said nuke them. The american people will understand the sacrafice we made to eliminate the alien invaders. Make it five nukes just to make sure." The staff sat silently, cowed by the fury of their commander in chief. Dinkle turned to the launch codes officer. He glanced at his wrist and yelled in dismay. The briefcase handcuffs had been cut while he watched the aliens. "Find those codes." Screamed Dinkle, sending his aides scattering. "And put all priority on building that alien ray gun they gave us. I want it done tommorrow."
Everyone left the Oval Office to search for the briefcase, even Dinkle, but not secretary Bomsaway. He sat calmly in his chair in the early morning light, smoking a cigar. "I wonder where those codes went?" He said softly to himself, glancing towards a trash bin. "Yes, I wonder where.
Chapter Seven
Joe glanced over Sam's shoulder as he weighed their cargo in a vacuum chamber. "Do you guys have enough?" Sam shook his head. "I can hardly believe it, but we are three ounces short." Joe groaned. This nightlong trip had been kinda fun and the aliens were swell guys, but on the other hand he felt that he had commited enough treason and robbery to put him away for life. Maybye he could plead alien mind control.
Zord startled him out of his reverie. "I've got a roll in my sights. Our delivery is still gonna be late. Grab the tiller Sam, I'm gonna go change into a less tired form."
Joe stood on the ramp as the UFO hovered above a apartment rooftop in San Fransisco. A small boy stood there, waving two toilet paper rolls. Joe jumped down and handed the kid a bracelet covered in strange carvings. Slowly the boy handed over the rolls. Then he hit a small button on the watch and a laser shot out, burning a hole in a AC unit. As the ramp went back up Joe looked over his shoulder and saw the boy blasting everything in sight. "What have we started?" He asked Sam. The alien frowned as the kid caught his mom's washing on fire. "Perhaps we should have got him the hoverscooter. You pick the presents next time Joe."
The starship streaked across the forrests of California, the desert that was Nevada and the waving fields of Kansas. It was nearly noon when they zoomed by a passenger jet and came to a stop right in the front yard of Joe Ricker's suburban house. Joe turned to Zord. "Can you hover it, you are smashing our grass flat." Zord fired up the repulsors, burning the grass brown. "O.K. O.K. land." Cried Joe frantically. "Your burnin' my lawn." Zord parked the UFO in the street. Then they all walked down the ramp and onto the driveway. "Well." Anounced Zord. "This is it. We would give you a tour of Mars but my boss says thats a no-no." Joe shrugged. "Thats O.K. I wanted to spend a few hours with my family before I'm arrested. 140,000 bucks and I'll only get to live in this house for a few hours." He turned to the aliens. "Well, goodbye guys. I will probably never see you again. That was one wild ride." Sam stepped forward and gave the 7' 5" Joe a big hug. "Thank you for coming. You have given us some of the best things a martian could ask for, good memories. And really, what is important? Money, people, long life? Some may go for that stuff. But for us all these things pass away. What is left, what matters, is the memories."
Joe sniffed, the affectionate farewells were making him cry. He went to give Zord a hug, then stopped. The lawyer alien's stern figure did'nt invite hugs, but he gave him a warm handshake.
The aliens walked back to their ship. "Goodbye Joe." Called Sam. "We will never forget you." Zord waved. "Drink lots of water, easily dehydrated earthling." Then Sam sent a signal for the ramp to come down, nothing happened. He tried again but the ramp was stuck tight. Sam turned to Joe. "Could we borrow a crowbar? I left our ray gun offline."
Twenty minutes later they managed to squeeze the ramp open enough for Sam to slither in with a snake-like form and fix the problem. Joe stood teary-eyed (From the dust the spaceship kicked up) as his friends rose into the sky and raced away. Susan peeked out of the house and ran over to her daddy. "Hi dad, mom is at the store, she will be back soon. Jackie is babysitting us." Joe scooped her up in his heavily muscled arms and hugged her tight. "Hey little girl, did the mail come yet?" Then he realized how weird that sounded after flying with aliens all night. But Susan did'nt mind. She ran to the mailbox and pulled out a glowing blue and red mashine. Joe ran over and grabbed it. "But daddy. I wanted to take it into the house." Joe ran inside. "Next time Susan, I promise."
Joe swept into the living room. "Hey, Jackie." He said to the teenage girl playing with his baby boy Peter. "You can go home now, I'll watch e'm till Agatha comes back." Jackie grabbed her purse and walked to the door, staring at Joe's big muscles. "Bye Joe, what happened to you?" He handed her five dollars from his pocket. She looked at them and handed them back. "Joe, those are hundreds." "What?" Joe reached into his pockets and pulled out stacks of hundred dollar bills. "I'll have my wife come over and pay you later, I seem to be out of one's." Jackie walked by his wife's car as it pulled up in the driveway, staring back at him.
Agatha Ricker stopped in the lawn and nearly dropped her groceries when she saw her husband standing in the doorway. A full foot taller than he'd been when he disapeared a day ago. As she stood he stepped forward, scooped the groceries out of her arms and planted a kiss on her nose. "Hey, sugar. I really missed you. Full hugs as soon as I put these down somewhere. By the way A weird box came in the mail, I was kidnapped by aliens and police may come and take me to prison for life any minute now, what's for dinner?" Joe and his family stepped into the house, his wife asking and him explaining things as fast as he could. He was home and happy to be so. But his life had changed forever.
The End
President Dinkle stood by the giant ray gun on the White House lawn. He stepped up to the neural connector, shoving a artilleryman out of the way. He sat down and gave a shiver as a device plugged into the back of his head. Suddenly he saw nothing but the guns sights. Dinkle gave a mental command and the ray gun swept the skies, looking for the UFO. There it was, racing away from the planet. Dinkle smiled inwardly and thought "Fire."
Sam glanced back towards Earth and gave a start. The ray gun was out of control. It was spinning wildly, the beam splitting skyscrapers and trees in half. Washington D.C. would be leveled within minutes. Zord noticed his interest. "I was prudent enough to remove a vital piece from the ray gun schematics. Serves them right." Sam turned to him. "We have to go back. Millions of people could die." Zord looked at him with a frown. "Yeah, not could, more like will. Since when did you become the champion of humanity? We are the "evil bugs from outer space." We do not save the day, we have a shipment to deliver. I want to get back to my comfy blick and drink some spiced slug spit. The humans pride themselves as great adapters. Let them fix the problem."
Sam placed himself between his partner and the steering monitor. "We made this problem, we have to fix it. If you don't want to be responsible just make another ship and I'll go back alone. It's bad enough that Joe is gonna get in trouble because of us." Zord threw up his hands in resignation. "Fine, fine, lets go and get vaporised while trying to save the puny earthlings."
Dinkle was not happy. He was trying frantically to control the ray canon, but his mind was filled with alien signals and fuzzy images. Secret Service agents and marines ran to get out of the way of the weapon's lethal ray. The White house was a flaming wreck. Fireballs erupted as a row of cars disapeared in flames. Trees, telaphone lines and signal lights fell in neat rows. The city seemed to be on fire.
Into this inferno of destruction the UFO dove. It swooped between buildings, dodging falling masonry and helicopters. The streets were filled with burning rubble and a deadly hail of glass. Then the White House came into sight. The ray canon chose that moment to sweep towards the alien's craft. Sam fired his own ray just in time, disintegrating the stolen technology. President Dinkle lay on the lawn in a faint.
The staff cautiouslly reassembled on the lawn as the UFO hovered and the ramp lowered. Sam walked out dressed in streamlined battle armor. "Hello small people of Earth. We do not expect any reward for saving your city." The ray gun on the spaceship activated, rebuilding skyscrapers and parks as Sam continued. "It is reward enough to have the memory of nearly being stranded shipless by our own technology. We may return to Earth in a while for more cargo. But we shall not resume diplomatic relations with the United States if the human Joseph Ricker is in any way punished for any offences he has commited. He must be given a Presidential pardon. Farewell humans. This has been a very memorable experience." With that Sam emptied a sack of sparkling jewels down on the officials and disapeared into the ship.
Dinkle awoke as the alien ship rose out of sight, sparkling with the ray's of a noonday sun. His staff soon filled him in on what had happened. "I will not pardon Joe. He has betrayed me...and the country. We don't need those aliens business anymore. We have the ray gun schematics. Senator Falsetype, prepare a media hate campaign. Blame the aliens for the cities destruction and throw in some conspiracy theories, vampirism rumors, spice it up and put it all over the news."
Senator John Yarite interupted. "What do we do with all the toilet paper we've stacked up?" Dinkle turned to him with a sneer. "We will destroy it with our new ray guns as a simbol of our new might. Where are those ray gun schematics?" The former launch code officer came running from the White House. "Mr. President. I found the nuclear launch codes. They were in the basement. Can I take this half a handcuff off now?" Dinkle stared hard at him. "Officer Halfdum, where are the ray gun schematics that I cuffed to your other wrist?" Halfdum glanced down and noticed that the cuff on his other arm had been cut too. Dinkle motioned to two F.B.I. men, who grabbed the unfortunate Halfdum. "Come with me to the security barracks. I think a dose of truth serum is in order." Snarled Dinkle as the officer was dragged away. Soon everyone had gone inside to witness his interogation, everyone exept Defence Secretary Bomsaway. He strolled over the lawn to a shady willow that had'nt been cut down. He uprighted the charred presidents chair and casually sat in it. A exploding gas pipe detonated in the burning capitol building. Bomsaway reached out his hand and caught a cigar as it flew past him, already lit. He puffed on it contentedly as a fire truck roared past him. He watched a bird as it hopped from branch to branch, talking softly to himself.
"Now where did those schematics go?" He blew a cloud of smoke and glanced up at a briefcase nestled among the tree branches. "Where oh where?"
Please post a comment or review at Isaacbenjamin@live.com
Also...would you be interested in a sequel? please comment.
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