Disney League of Exploited
Pirates
The tavern was loud and smelly. Dozens of sailors bellowed
for rum or gambled their money away. But there was a back room for those who
craved privacy, past a door planted in the sagging wall. In this room sat
Captain Hook, his scarlet coat muddy and in tatters, a brilliant red hat hung
in shreds on a hook in the wall. Hook glanced at his first mate, a chubby,
short-sighted fellow named Mr. Smee. Smee glanced at his captain's stained
brass hook, tapping on the table.
The door swung open and in walked a man with a friendly
smile beaming upon his countenance. In one hand he held a tray loaded with
steaming food, the other hand held a crutch to support his one leg. The man
hopped into the room, laid out the food and touched the brim of his hat in
salute. "Good evenin' to e' Mr. Hook. My name be Long John Silver."
Hook groaned. "Can't ye shut the door man? I have a splitting
headache." John Silver set out the silverware. "I told ye I'd recruit
some swabs to join us. They will be coming soon."
In moments another pirate strode in and slammed the door
shut. Silver beamed all over again, radiating conviviality. "This be my
friend Wing Ti'p. He don't speak English very well but he be with us."
Wing Ti'p was an Asian, swarthy and suntanned from years in the China sea. He
flaunted a jaunty headband and fine blue coat, but looked downcast. Silver
began carving a roast goose. "There be but one more to come, be kind to
him mates, he be obscure but his heart be true."
The door squealled open again, admitting hot rum-infused
air and a sturdy dutchman. The dutchman dragged a wooden chair across the room
and leaned over the table. "I presume you are the grieved parties that I
was asked to meet here. My name is Captain Hoseason. I am not a pirate captain
properly speaking, but I wish to have justice, and if I must break the law to
get it so be it." Long John Silver
snagged a seat at the now crowded table. "Alright men, we are all
assembled, so I hearbye call to order the first Captain's council of Exploited
Pirates."
Captain Hook twirled his mustache with his hook. "I
demand to speak first." There were tears gathering in his eyes. "I
have suffered most. It's that flying fiend Peter Pan and his Lost boys that are
the cause of me woes. I have been beaten to shreds by those airborne brats. My
crew was helpless. In the film "Hook" directed by Steven Spielberg,
my men were defeated by paint guns and a very fat boy." Hook rose to his
feet, voice shaking with intensity. "For most of the film I was left to
try to make Peter's son abandon him. I killed one boy at the end of the film,
just one, and Peter promptly outfought me and sealed me in that crocodile. Why
couldn't I pull a pistol on that name-calling wretch? It isn't fair." Hook
sank into his chair sobbing. "It isn't fair at all."
Silver and the other pirates looked grave. Wing Ti'p
stood. "In Disney movie "Swiss Family Robinson" we were plenty
beat by wimpy Robinson Family and the boy. My men attacked rocky hill and got
plenty beat. We walked right into pits, got scratched by tiger, shot by
ridiculous crossbow device, walked on collapsing bridge, hit on head by plastic
logs and blown up by coconut bomb. So many things go perfectly for Robinson
family. We happen to walk right on traps, happen to be spotted by boy on zebra,
happen to be trapped by admiral's ship that come by just in time. It no fair.
Movie director not give us a chance."
Long John Silver let that sink in for a moment before
nodding to Captain Hoseason. The Dutchman stood and took a drink of wine.
"I lost my brig, my crew and my first mate in the Disney film
"Kidnapped". Hook barged in. "You are no pirate. What ships have
you sunk? Who have you killed? You aren't even a privateer." Hoseason put
down his wine. "I kidnapped a boy, I schemed to murder a passenger for 30
guineas and kept a first mate who was a drunk. I will not beg for help, and I
was only in one film, but I stand for fair, unbiased treatment of pirates. I do
not mean that pirates should win, but they deserve better than to be used as
canon fodder.
Long John Silver stood last, shining his confident grin.
"Gentlemen, capn's all. I have not been wronged like the rest of ye. I
lost my crew and the ship I commandeered, but in true pirate style I turned the
tables and went on to star in a sequel and a television series. I be what every
pirate should have a chance to be, a pirate with style, with
intelligence." Long John pulled out a rum-stained paper covered in
handwriting. "Here be the charter for the League of Exploited Pirates. If
ye cannot write sign with an x. Together we will fight for equality for all
villains of the sea."
Hook, Wing Ti'p, Hoseason and Silver huddled together,
writing their names in ink and hashing out the perticulars of the article.
Behind them the door swung open. A man in a brown jacket slipped in, followed
by a older fellow with grey sideburns. As the pirate captains turned the man
touched the battered tricorner hat perched atop his dreadlocks and backed
out the door. "Sorry." Said Captain Jack Sparrow. "Wrong
room".
I hope you enjoyed reading this article. I will try to post more often in the future, which due to current developments seems more likely. Please take a moment and tell me what you thought of it.
