Disney League of Exploited Pirates

Disney League of Exploited Pirates

The tavern was loud and smelly. Dozens of sailors bellowed for rum or gambled their money away. But there was a back room for those who craved privacy, past a door planted in the sagging wall. In this room sat Captain Hook, his scarlet coat muddy and in tatters, a brilliant red hat hung in shreds on a hook in the wall. Hook glanced at his first mate, a chubby, short-sighted fellow named Mr. Smee. Smee glanced at his captain's stained brass hook, tapping on the table.

The door swung open and in walked a man with a friendly smile beaming upon his countenance. In one hand he held a tray loaded with steaming food, the other hand held a crutch to support his one leg. The man hopped into the room, laid out the food and touched the brim of his hat in salute. "Good evenin' to e' Mr. Hook. My name be Long John Silver." Hook groaned. "Can't ye shut the door man? I have a splitting headache." John Silver set out the silverware. "I told ye I'd recruit some swabs to join us. They will be coming soon."

In moments another pirate strode in and slammed the door shut. Silver beamed all over again, radiating conviviality. "This be my friend Wing Ti'p. He don't speak English very well but he be with us." Wing Ti'p was an Asian, swarthy and suntanned from years in the China sea. He flaunted a jaunty headband and fine blue coat, but looked downcast. Silver began carving a roast goose. "There be but one more to come, be kind to him mates, he be obscure but his heart be true."

The door squealled open again, admitting hot rum-infused air and a sturdy dutchman. The dutchman dragged a wooden chair across the room and leaned over the table. "I presume you are the grieved parties that I was asked to meet here. My name is Captain Hoseason. I am not a pirate captain properly speaking, but I wish to have justice, and if I must break the law to get it so be it."  Long John Silver snagged a seat at the now crowded table. "Alright men, we are all assembled, so I hearbye call to order the first Captain's council of Exploited Pirates."

Captain Hook twirled his mustache with his hook. "I demand to speak first." There were tears gathering in his eyes. "I have suffered most. It's that flying fiend Peter Pan and his Lost boys that are the cause of me woes. I have been beaten to shreds by those airborne brats. My crew was helpless. In the film "Hook" directed by Steven Spielberg, my men were defeated by paint guns and a very fat boy." Hook rose to his feet, voice shaking with intensity. "For most of the film I was left to try to make Peter's son abandon him. I killed one boy at the end of the film, just one, and Peter promptly outfought me and sealed me in that crocodile. Why couldn't I pull a pistol on that name-calling wretch? It isn't fair." Hook sank into his chair sobbing. "It isn't fair at all."

Silver and the other pirates looked grave. Wing Ti'p stood. "In Disney movie "Swiss Family Robinson" we were plenty beat by wimpy Robinson Family and the boy. My men attacked rocky hill and got plenty beat. We walked right into pits, got scratched by tiger, shot by ridiculous crossbow device, walked on collapsing bridge, hit on head by plastic logs and blown up by coconut bomb. So many things go perfectly for Robinson family. We happen to walk right on traps, happen to be spotted by boy on zebra, happen to be trapped by admiral's ship that come by just in time. It no fair. Movie director not give us a chance."

Long John Silver let that sink in for a moment before nodding to Captain Hoseason. The Dutchman stood and took a drink of wine. "I lost my brig, my crew and my first mate in the Disney film "Kidnapped". Hook barged in. "You are no pirate. What ships have you sunk? Who have you killed? You aren't even a privateer." Hoseason put down his wine. "I kidnapped a boy, I schemed to murder a passenger for 30 guineas and kept a first mate who was a drunk. I will not beg for help, and I was only in one film, but I stand for fair, unbiased treatment of pirates. I do not mean that pirates should win, but they deserve better than to be used as canon fodder.

Long John Silver stood last, shining his confident grin. "Gentlemen, capn's all. I have not been wronged like the rest of ye. I lost my crew and the ship I commandeered, but in true pirate style I turned the tables and went on to star in a sequel and a television series. I be what every pirate should have a chance to be, a pirate with style, with intelligence." Long John pulled out a rum-stained paper covered in handwriting. "Here be the charter for the League of Exploited Pirates. If ye cannot write sign with an x. Together we will fight for equality for all villains of the sea."

Hook, Wing Ti'p, Hoseason and Silver huddled together, writing their names in ink and hashing out the perticulars of the article. Behind them the door swung open. A man in a brown jacket slipped in, followed by a older fellow with grey sideburns. As the pirate captains turned the man touched the battered tricorner hat perched atop his dreadlocks and backed out the door. "Sorry." Said Captain Jack Sparrow. "Wrong room". 

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